In the wake of the largely disappointing The Taking of Pelham 123 the question of why movie producers should rely so heavily on remakes is once again raised. Studio bosses seem to be apprehensive in these hard-up times to take the gamble of putting control back into screenwriters' hands, instead taking the bankable route of re-visiting a tried and tested movie formula. However, so many fail to live up to expectations. To commemorate these failures, here’s a list of what are possibly the 10 worst movie remakes.
1. Psycho (1998 Remake)
Remakes are often berated for straying too far from the original, something Gus Van Sant clearly wanted to avoid. However, there is paying homage to the original movie and there is bordering on the obsessive. Van Sant’s shot-for-shot, word-for-word re-make of Hitchcock’s 1960 horror classic simply begged the question ‘what on earth was the point?’
2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005 Remake)
Tim Burton’s darkly creative imagination clearly clouded his judgement when he chose to take on this project. It is also equally surprising that the usually superb Johnny Depp could get things so wide of the mark in this atrocious re-imagining of Roald Dahl’s classic story. Depp’s creepy, almost pedophilic Willie Wonka left your childhood memory of Gene Wilder’s original chocolate factory owner feeling slightly abused. If that wasn’t bad enough, CG Ooompa Loompas?!
3. The Wicker Man (2006 Remake)
Racking up an impressive 5 Razzie nominations in 2006, Neil LaBute’s ruining of a classic British thriller is an obvious choice for this list. The movie’s tagline ‘Some Sacrifices Must Be Made’ seems to be a reference to the last bit of Nicholas Cage’s artistic integrity, which went up in flames with the Wicker Man at the end of this movie.
4. The Pink Panther (2006 Remake)
The thought of casting Steve Martin as Peter Sellers’ successor in the role of Jacques Clouseau should have died at roughly the same time Martin stopped being funny - back in 1991. Quite why this film seemed such a good idea in 2006 then is anybody’s guess. Steve Martin is a repeat offender when it comes to unnecessary re-makes, his Sergeant Bilko misses this list due only to previous good behaviour, you would think he’d have learnt his lesson from that effort. Casting (musician) Beyonce Knowles alongside Martin in the hope of The Pink Panther appealing to a younger demographic was also just as galling.
5. The Italian Job (2003 Remake)
Ok, so here’s the pitch – ‘let’s take a quintessentially English film, scoop out the humour, feel good factor… and Michael Caine. We’ll keep the Mini Coopers and gold bullion and fill the void with a load of overpaid and under-motivated US actors (rumour has it Edward Norton only made the movie due to multi-movie contract reasons) and move the story to LA… But we’ll crowbar Jason Statham in just to keep that British feel.’ This premise would have been more apt in one of those tedious Orange commercials you see during every trip to the cinema. Sadly, they made it into a real movie.
6. Carrie (2002 Remake)
This made-for-tv remake of Brian De Palma’s Oscar nominated horror classic was intended to lead to a subsequent TV series. However, ratings for the TV movie were so low that the series never materialised. The irony of the whole production is that the 2002 version is closer to the original Stephen King novel than its more successful 1970’s big screen version.
7. Get Carter (2000 Remake)
Newcastle is swapped for Seattle in this re-structuring of a British thriller This time Sly Stallone is in the Michael Caine role as Jack Carter, the man seeking the truth behind his brother’s sudden death. It might have helped put both Mickey Rourke and Sly back on the Hollywood radar but that’s about the only thing it did achieve. Be warned, if you watch it you won’t get that time back!
8. Mean Machine (2001 Remake)
We British are often critical of Hollywood taking our best loved movies and ruining their memory by giving them an American makeover (see The Wicker Man and The Italian Job). So fair’s fair, the same has to apply in the opposite direction. Vinnie Jones’ re-make of Burt Reynolds’ 1974 film The Longest Yard was largely disappointing considering its sales pitch hinged heavily on the fact it was produced by the team behind the brilliant Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. However, as potentially comedic as it is, the story of a jailed footballer leading a team of inmates in a match against corrupt prison guards failed to come anywhere close to the quality of the two aforementioned films. With some tragic comedy acting, Mean Machine raised a mere titter at best.
9. Poseidon (2006 Remake)
This film is probably best summed up in a deleted line from Russell Crowe in the film Body of Lies. Upon being asked by Leonardo Di Caprio’s character how his flight had been, Crowe replies, “I watched that film, Poseidon. It was like watching a Greek girl get a bikini wax. I never thought it was ever going to end.” Enough said.
10. Planet of the Apes (2001 Remake)
The second inclusion on the list for director Tim Burton and Marky Mark Wahlberg (The Italian Job). Despite containing several nods to the first movie and having considerably better special effects and make-up than Charlton Heston’s original, Planet of the Apes mark II is nothing but a superficial moneymaking regurgitation, all style and no content. It suffers from a decidedly dodgy supporting role from Estella Warren and leading man Wahlberg doesn’t come anywhere close to replicating the rough, edgy character that Charlton Heston portrayed in 1968. Heston should have brought his collection of rifles to the set when he turned up to film his cameo, he could have had some valuable target practice.
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